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What do I love about: Never Split the Difference?
I must acknowledge the fact that the title of this book is quite captivating. Chris does a fantastic job taking the reader through what it looks like to be a hostage negotiator especially with the FBI and how the negotiation approach has evolved over time based on academic research as well as lessons learnt from the field. I was particularly excited to learn a few things that I will be applying to my life such as flipping questions were you expect a Yes to a No, leveraging the anchor bias to my benefit, avoiding rounded numbers in negotiation and asking “How/What” questions to elicit more information.
What do I not love about: Never Split the Difference?
Like most book I have read lately the author spends the first 60% of the book speaking about hostage negotiation and not providing enough practical example to understand the applicability of his method in real life. In this day and age where the average attention span for anything is just getting shorter and shorter, it is pretty important to be able to grab the readers interest from the very beginning. I almost gave up reading this book but I manage to make it past the first 5 chapters, things do start to pick up in chapter 6.
Who should read: Never Split the Difference?
If you are looking to learn new strategies in dealing with any negotiation-like interactions whether it is at work, or with the kids/partner or even with friends. This is a go to book. This book reminds me of a book titled Thinking Strategically: The competitive edge in Business, Politics and Everyday Life as it draws on several strategies espoused in the book.
Who should not read: Never Split the Difference?
If you lack the patience to beat around the bush or lack interest in hostage scenarios then you may want to avoid reading this book and look at my notes below
Notes from Never Split The Difference. Negotiating as if your life depended on it
Chapter 1: The New Rules
- If my time at Harvard showed me anything, it was that we at the FBI had a lot to teach the world about negotiating: In my short stay I realized that without a deep understanding of human psychology, without the acceptance that we are all crazy, irrational, impulsive, emotionally driven animals, all the raw intelligence and mathematical logic in the world is little help in the fraught, shifting interplay of two people negotiating.
- The Framing Effect: People respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed (people place greater value on moving from 90% to 100% than from 45% to 55% even though they are both 10%point. Prospect Theory explains why we take unwarranted risk in the face of uncertain losses. And the most famous is Loss Aversion, which shows how people are statistically more likely to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain.
- Universally, people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. Listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.
Chapter 2: Be a Mirror
- We fear what is different and are drawn to what’s similar. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together. Mirroring then when practiced consciously, is the art of insinuating similarity. A mirror signals to another’s unconscious, “You and I –we’re alike”.
- Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously. This is well explained in the book the 4th Agreement-Don’t make assumptions.
Chapter 3: Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It
The beauty of empathy is that it does not demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas (you may well find them crazy). But by acknowledging the other person’s situation, you immediately convey that you are listening. And once they know that you are listening, they may tell you something that you can use.
Chapter 4: Beware “Yes” Master “No”
- You have to train yourself to hear “No”. “No” has an amazing power to bring down barriers and allow for beneficial communication.
- There are 3 types of Yes: Counterfeit, Confirmation and Commitment.
- If you are trying to get someone’s attention, do not start with “Do you have a few minutes to talk” instead ask “Is now a bad time to talk”.
- Every ‘No’ gets me closer to a ‘Yes’.
- Break the habit of attempting to get people to say “Yes”. Being pushed for “Yes” makes people defensive.
- “No” is not a failure. Learn how to hear it calmly. It is not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning.
Chapter 5: Trigger The Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation
- The 2 words are: That’s Right. Use a summary to trigger a “That’s right”.
- Do not force your opponent to admit that you are right.
Chapter 6: Bend Their Reality
- No deal is better than a bad deal.
- It is not enough to show the other party that you can deliver the thing they want. To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.
- The biggest thing to remember is that numbers that end in 0 inevitably feel like temporary placeholders, guesstimates that you can easily be negotiated off of. But anything you throw out that sounds less rounded-say, $37, 263 feels like a figure that you came as a result of a thoughtful calculation. Such numbers feel serious and permanent to your counterpart, so use them to fortify your offers.
- Once you negotiate a salary, make sure to define success for your position- as well as metrics for your next raise. That’s meaningful for you and free for your boss.
- Always ask: What does it take to be successful here? The key issue here is if someone gives you guidance, they will watch to see if you follow their advice. They will have a personal stake in seeing you succeed. You have just recruited your first unofficial mentor.
- Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe. So don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.
- Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interests.
- The word “Fair” is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don’t get suckered into the concession. Instead ask them to explain how you are mistreating them.
- You can bend your counterpart’s reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers set an extreme anchor to make your real offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive.
- Avoid questions that are answered with “Yes” or tiny piece of information. Rather ask calibrated questions that start with “How” or “What”.
- Do not ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you.
- Follow the 7-38-55 percent rule by paying close attention to tone of voice and body language.
Chapter 7: Create The Illusion Of Control
- He who has learned to be disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.
- You need to regulate your emotions if you want to have any hope of coming out on top.
- When Japanese negotiate with a foreigner, it is common practice for a Japanese businessman to use a translator even when he understands perfectly what the other side is saying. That is because speaking through a translator forces him to step back. It gives him time to frame the response
Chapter 8: Guarantee Execution
- A high percentage of negotiation hinge on something outside dollars and cents, often having more to do with self-esteem, status, and other non-financial needs.
- A rule to avoid the trap of non-commitment “Yes” is simply getting the other guy to agree to the same thing 3 times in the same conversation. It is tripling the strength of whatever dynamic you are trying to drill into at the moment.
- Humanize yourself by asking for the discount. Humor and Humanity are the best way to break the ice and remove the roadblocks.
Chapter 9: Bargain Hard
- The Black Swan rule is do not treat others the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated.
- Study your counterpart’s negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst you will know how to approach them correctly.
- Prepare, Prepare, Prepare. When the pressure is on, you do not rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation.
- Kick-ass negotiators usually lead with an extreme anchor to knock you off your game. So get ready to take a punch.
- Prepare an Ackerman plan. Remember 65, 85, 95, and 100. Decreasing raises and ending on non-round numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he is squeezing you for all you are worth.
Chapter 10: Finding the Black Swan
All about finding the powerful unknown unknowns: My favorites include:
- Review everything you hear from your counterpart because you will not hear everything the first time.
- Work to understand the other side’s religion.
- When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely are not.
- Get facetime with your counterpart.
- The Paradox of Power- The harder we push the more likely we are to be met with resistance.