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What do I love about: Boundaries?
I love how the authors describe boundaries from a biblical aspect and in terms of key areas of our lives. For example boundaries with children, colleagues, partners, friends, family, ourselves and God.
What do I not love about: Boundaries?
Nothing
Who should read: Boundaries?
I highly recommend this book to everyone as we all struggle with establishing healthy boundaries
Who should not read: Boundaries?
Anyone who thinks they have unlimited resources such as time, talent and other treasures
Notes about Boundaries?
4 types of boundary problems
- Complaints: saying yes to the bad
- Avoidants: saying no to the good
- Controllers: not respecting other’s boundaries
- Non-responsive: not hearing the needs of others
3 phases to developing healthy boundaries in childhood
- Hatching: Mommy and me aren’t the same (5-10months)
- Practicing: I can do anything (10-18months)
- Rapprochment: I can’t do everything (18months-3 years)
10 Laws of boundaries
Law 1: The law of sowing and reaping
- Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are
- People caught in disruptive patterns are usually not wise. They need to suffer consequences before they change their behavior
- Codependent people bring insults and pain on themselves when they confront irresponsible people
Law 2: The law of responsibility
We are to love one another, not be one another
Law 3: The law of power
Best boundary prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference
Law 4: The law of respect
We judge the boundary decisions of others, thinking that we know best how they ought to give, and usually that means “they ought to give to me the way I want them to!”
Law 5: The law of motivation
- Self-centered people often get angry when someone tells them no
- The following false motives keep us from setting boundaries: fear of loss of love or abandonment; fear of others anger; fear of loneliness; guilt; payback; approval
- It is truly more blessed to give than to receive. If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine the law of motivation. The law of motivation states: freedom first, service second.
Law 6: The law of evaluation
You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person
Law 7: The law of proactivity
Power is not something you demand or deserve; it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love.
Law 8: The law of envy
We all have envious parts to our personalities. But what is so destructive about this particular sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually insatiable and dissatisfied
Law 9: The law of activity
The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing, but failing to try.
Law 10: The law of exposure
We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. We are beset by fears of guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known and so on.
Common Boundary Myth
Myth 1: If I set boundaries, I am being selfish
Myth 2: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience
Myth 3: If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others
Myth 4: If I set boundaries, I will hurt others
Myth 5: Boundaries mean that I am angry
Myth 6: When others set boundaries, it injures me
Myth 7: Boundaries cause feelings of guilt. One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feeling of obligation
Myth 8: Boundaries are permanent, and I am afraid of burning my bridges
Other key notes on boundaries
- Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself
- Good boundaries prevent resentment. Giving is good. Make sure that it is the proper amount for your situation and resources
- Our families can tear down our best built fences because they are family
- When you refuse to forgive someone. You still want something from that person and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to that person forever
- Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from their dysfunctional families
- If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost
- Practice purposeful giving to increase your freedom
- If you have no other best friends than your family, you need to take a close look at those relationships. You may be afraid of separating and individuating, of becoming an autonomous adult
- Remember that love and limits go together
- God intends for us to know when we are hungry, lonely, in trouble, overwhelmed, or in need of a break- and then to take initiative to get what we need.
- Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part
- Work will grow to fill the time you set aside for it
- You only have the power to change yourself. You can’t change another person
- Transference is when you experience feelings in the present that really belong to some unfinished business in the past
- We have met the enemy and he is us
- Running into resistance is often a good sign that you are doing what you need to do. It will be worth it. Remember the clear message of the scriptures; when you encounter resistance, persevering to the end will bring you great reward
- We can’t really love until we have boundaries- otherwise we love out of compliance or guilt
- A NO is waiting inside the heart- ready to use. Not for an attack. Not to punish another. But to protect and develop the time, talents and treasures that God has allocated to us during our threescore and ten years on this planet
Children by the time they are leaving home should hold these convictions:
- My success and failures largely depends on me
- Though I am to look to God and others for comfort and instructions, I alone am responsible for my choices
- Though I am deeply affected by my significant relationships throughout my life, I can’t blame my problems on anyone but myself
- Though I will always fail and need support, I can’t depend on some overresponsible individual to constantly bail me out of spiritual, emotional, financial or relational crisis